Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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