just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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