Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
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