Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
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