He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
He better not be in your backpack
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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