I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
Randomize
