I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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