This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Randomize
