She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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