All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
