Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
