Sorry, I don't speak sober.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
