he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Randomize
