I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Randomize
