Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
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