last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Pants are for mortals
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
Randomize
