theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
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