Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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