he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Randomize