There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
