Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Two words: blizzard sex
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Randomize
