I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Randomize
