I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
