Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Randomize
