i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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