While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Randomize