How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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