I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
