I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
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