I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
This beer is not sobering me up at all
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
