i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Randomize
