i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
