I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
Randomize
