If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
She has the best kind of daddy issues
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
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