Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
