So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
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