i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
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