if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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