I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Randomize
