im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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