Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
Randomize
