I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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