I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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