Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Randomize
