I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Randomize
