Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Randomize
