thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
