I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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