he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Randomize