Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
