she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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