Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Randomize
