are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
