I'm eating all of the evidence.
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
