Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Randomize
