I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
It was confusing and full of hummus
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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