Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
cat food counts as protein by the way
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
