Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
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