I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
