I'm laying in your front yard are you home
she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
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