i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Make me a promise>>> if you ever see the brats from that tv show NYC Prep walking around, you will trip them, and you wil throw drinks on them
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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