she was so not down for the gang bang
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
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