Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Randomize
