I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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